Doors...

Some doors seem to be closing, while others are opening; some are exciting, some are a little scary, while others seem so ancient and creaky- like they were sealed shut for good.

That's what's going on in my life these days. From my last post ( and from the loooong break in posting ), you can see that much was going on, especially during the month of July. All of the classes, assessments and interviews are now complete. Unfortunately, I was nervous and a bit fearful through it all, but tested out of all five classes and now have the Associates Degree part of my journey complete.  I'm free to move on to begin classes in the Christian Counseling program. One door closed, and another is opening.

And as I touched on in my previous entry, the church internship I desired, but then didn't have peace about & turned down, seemed to be another door closing, just as another door opened when I was offered a part time position at a clinic close to my home. I trained for the new job, and then started this week. It feels right, and I'm enjoying the couple of days a week that I get to work there. Of course, it's not in the ministry field , but I do get to encourage people with their journey to becoming healthier. Being able to share of the success I found through the program, and seeing others begin their own journey really does give me joy. I don't know why this door opened, don't know exactly how it fits, but the peace I feel really shows me this is where I am supposed to be... for right now anyway. Speaking of internships...I got the chance to have dinner with the Director of Teen Challenge last month, and to discuss internship possibilities there, could be yet another door opening.  Waiting / watching / praying / trusting / listening on that one.  And then there are the 3-4 times in the last week that the subject of my book has come up ( a short little thing I did years ago during a challenge at church )...and the nudging that I keep feeling about taking on expanding it, rewriting it, and looking into publishing...another door??? Maybe. But I'm still a bit scared of that one.

On to that ancient & creaky door ~
I grew up not knowing my father, as my parents divorced when I was an infant...but I always wondered about him.  I wondered if he would show up out of the blue one day, and have really good reasons for his absence. I dreamed of him sweeping in and rescuing me from my painful childhood, and of seeing his tears as he explained to me how he always missed me, always wondered about how I was, what I looked like, if I was safe, etc. That dream never came true.  When I was in my early twenties though, I did look him up. Finding him was much easier then I had imagined. The search was over in just a few weeks, and we made contact. It wasn't a drawn out thing like you see in those wonderful "reunited stories" on talk shows. I wrote a letter to somebody in Minnesota that I thought may know where he was, they forwarded it to him, and he wrote to me shortly after.  A phone conversation or two happened, and then a meeting took place, since he was going to be back in the state for a meeting ( he resided in Florida ). Finding him was nothing like the searches described on T.V...and the reunion wasn't either. No tears, no big drama, no wonderful bond magically rekindled....it was really just pretty uncomfortable and awkward. Not that it was the fault of either of us, in my point of view, I just don't believe real love, or real bonds are like that...they take time to form. So it was great to meet him, I'm glad I found him, and many of my questions were answered...but it would take time to feel we had a relationship. We wrote to one another for a quite a while, but then communication dwindled to just Christmas cards to one another...and then to just cards each year from me to him. I don't know why he stopped writing and sending cards. But I wanted to leave the door open, so continued to send them each year with nothing in return...for almost 20 years.  In last year's card, I even included a personal note explaining that we would be vacationing near his home in Florida, and would love to meet for dinner. Again, no response...and I could hear a huge old wooden door in my heart slowly creaking as it shut with a thud.  I was done with it. Forgave him. Accepted his further rejection of me, and  I would just move on.
Until yesterday.
Darn doors.
They just keep appearing...


Yesterday, in the mail came a large envelope, addressed to me, from an attorney's office. In it was a letter informing me of the death of a Grandfather that I never knew. It turns out he left a couple of hundred dollars to each of his grandchildren and great grandchildren that were all listed in his will. There were many of us listed, and even just the act of reading all of the names stirred something in me.  There on the paper were the names of so many family members I had never met, and I could see the sadness of it all...the ugliness of divorce, and the huge shift it can make in the lives of so many. I grew up without my father, without knowing grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins...and even my own children didn't have their grandfather or great grandparents as a part of their growing up. The damage was far reaching...

Back to the door. In reading the letter I learned of a meeting that family members are invited to at the end of August. My father was listed in the will, and also is invited to this meeting, as are my own kids. So...it seems like this is that old creaky door opening just a smidge. I'm not sure that I want it to, I really felt OK with it closing last winter...but maybe God's not OK with it being closed...

So, I will go to the meeting ( and my kids may too ). I will allow God to open this door, and will see what comes of it. Just typing those words now, I had to place my hand over my heart 2-3 times, as if to hold it together...to sort of keep the door from flying wide open, ya know? So, I guess that reveals there is some fear there...and that's what this whole blog is about, right?  The timing of this really is pretty awesome. I just attended at graduation for the young woman that I mentor at a recovery program in Minneapolis last week. While there, many beautiful and heart wrenching stories were shared.  I remember fighting back tears more than once as a young man told the story of being reunited with his birth father after 20 years...and how I almost completely lost it as that father joined him on stage. He hugged him, shared with all of us about how proud of him he was, and how grateful he was that they were together again. Powerful stuff...and painful for me. Now as I think back, it seemed like that moment was for me. It was a jarring of that old door, so that this week it would be able to open just a bit easier. Timing.  Funny how things happen...

So my journey against fear continues. I will keep you updated. And if your the praying type, a prayer about what this meeting will bring would be appreciated. I'm excited to maybe get to see my kids with their Grandfather, and hope to get some pictures of them with him again ( they were just 1 & 4 when they met before )...and yes, the little girl in me still hopes for all that I had dreamed of way back when, and that scares me...but I wont let that fear stop me. I can do this, and I know that God will help me through it. Oh, and  I was searching for artwork to accompany this post, a verse kept ringing in my mind:

"I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."

Revelation 3:8

It looks like God is the one opening these doors, and no one, not even I can shut it, so I wont try ( even though I'm tempted at times ). And I will do my best to pass through.  As you read my story, I wonder...

What are the doors that are closing in your own life?
Can you now see some doors that are maybe opening for you, but you are doing your best to hold them shut? Where some doors open, then closed and you maybe didn't even realize that you were the one that shut it? Are there doors that are open for you, but you refuse to go through? 
Hmmm...I wonder. I would love to hear about them if you are willing to share.

Oh, and one piece I almost forgot to share...in reading my father's name in the will, I noticed his address is now in South Dakota. I wonder where those 20 years of Christmas cards and letters ended up. Did he even receive them??? Soon I will know I guess...

In Knots...

While gearing up to write today I had a hard time describing what I'm feeling lately. As my stomach churned for at least the 20th time this morning, I started to visualize a tangled mess of yarn within me...and there it was.  My subject for today...tangled yarn.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm a tangled mess right now ( yay ~ that means progress! )...but with so many different things going on, so many uncertainties, I definitely do feel a bit tangled, like the picture top left.  And of course the next picture represents how I would LIKE to be right now...all neat and orderly...evenly wound, no knots...you know ~ perfect!  But...perfect I am not, and thankfully, not many of us are. So the last picture represents what I hope to be someday...so many different colors ( my issues, my talents and quirks ), many different "knots" ( life experiences, trials, etc. )...all combined to make something useful and beautiful. Hmmm and the finished piece in the picture is also warm and comforting...I like the sound of that too. Might just have to keep this visual metaphor of me around. I'm beginning to like it.
 
So, that's whats going on with me these days. Feeling tangled, feeling a bit of a mess at times, but also aware that things are slowly becoming untangled, and that in the end it will all make sense. In the end I think I will be grateful for each twist and turn and bend in the road ( even though some are scary ). In the end I bet I will be grateful for each knot that remains in the finished work, as it anchors me to a lesson that I've learned along the way. Hope so anyway.

Without boring you with too much detail ( as a writer I can easily ramble on too much at times ), in a nutshell, here is some of what I have been facing, processing, conquering, and wrestling with over the last few weeks...

School ~ where to go, when to apply, which program to enroll in and then of course the whole money issue. And if you read my last post, I have those 5 classes to test out of before the next leg of my educational journey can begin. Thanks to you that are helping me to stay accountable to my plan by the way. I DID get the materials for those 1st 2 classes and am now in the studying phase. I DID get all signed up for my tests ( one next week and 3 more in July ), and have paid for them all...so no turning back now.  Now to just plug away studying and writing my papers...and to NOT give in to the knotted mess sensation, and get all paralyzed in fear again. Not easy for me...but doing my best.

Career ~ internships, temp jobs, rejections, opportunities, home office responsibilities, volunteer experiences.
Ahhhh! So much going on. So much to decide on. Things to take on, things to let go of or lay down, things to rethink...and much prayer throughout.  Balance is what I strive for and I'm learning to let peace be my guide. Again, not an easy thing for me...but getting better at it at least. I was offered a ministry internship that I was excited about, but in the end after much thought and prayer, I didn't have peace about accepting it...and was THAT ever confusing and scary.  Turning it down was not fun, but I felt such peace as soon as I did. The opportunity would have been wonderful and the experience so valuable...but it just wasn't right for now. I've prayed and prayed for guidance, and have asked for peace. When it doesn't come, then I know I am about to take on something that isn't for me.  That same day, I was offered a temporary position with a company that I believe very much in and would love to work for...but some aspects didn't fit...so again I went to prayer. This time I knew I was to "put out there" what would work for me, and then to trust that if it's in line with God's plan for my life that all will work out. And as of right now, it's looking like the position was changed and may line up perfectly with my needs and availability. So awesome, but NOT an easy experience to go through!

A while back I had a vision of a compass guiding me through life. The compass for me was to ask myself when an opportunity arose:

~ Does it line up with  what God wants from us that follow Him.
~ Does it gel with my marriage and the life we live?
~ Does it tap in to the core of who I am, what I was created to do?
~ Do I have absolute peace about it?

Thinking back to those guidelines helped me in this. And I do have peace... such a good thing after the knotted feeling I had at the beginning of the week. The rejections are still uncomfortable when I apply for positions that I would really like and I don't get an offer. Juggling running the office side of our construction business, and serving in the ministry areas we feel called to in the areas of prayer counseling, recovery, and marriage mentoring...can get challenging.  But, in the end...I truly believe it's all for a reason and leading up to a place of much more clarity...of what God wants from me in my life.

Life in general~ Some days the burdens around us can just seem so heavy, and so unfair. The last few weeks have brought so much heartache, loss, and worry in the lives of many friends.  It's tempting to get lost in a tangle of "what if's " and "whys", and worry over what to do or not to do...say or not say, etc.  I can get all tight and in knots again if I don't stop and pray.  And then added to the tangle is the mental journey I'm on during a significant weight loss ( really long story filled with much revelation about food, addictions, body image, self worth, fear....).  Deep stuff.

Overall, I think what I am being reminded of is to trust...just trust.  And I am realizing more and more that doubt and fear are the complete opposite of trusting.  So for today I will do my best to trust that God has my back, and that He is for me.  I will trust that He is looking out for me, and He's guiding and protecting me.  And I will accept that if I relax and trust, my knots will come untangled easier....that things will all make sense someday...and that the journey will all be for good...and will be beautiful in the end.

All for now...

The Voice of Fear...

 
Again a lapse in posting...not for lack of fear this time though. Just been waaay busy fighting them. Well, most of them anyway.  For the past 10 days or so, I've been conquering some, doing the daily dance/fight with some, and have fallen back to my usual pattern with others and have been absolutely avoiding them.

Before I go into further detail, I thought it was pretty cool to wake up the last few mornings and find that my devotion time was filled with words on fear, and much info on "The Voice of Fear".  Perfect timing. LOVE when that happens!  In  The Word for You Today, I read of some examples of those who had struggles with fear.  Some statements and questions in that reading really stood out to me:

    * Who are you listening to?
    * Who are you going to believe... God or others?
    * Fear causes us to think the worst instead of believing God for the best.
    * Fear and faith are present with us every day, the one you choose will rule your life.
    * God usually doesn't lift us out of the problem, He takes us through it and toughens us up.
    * Stop and remind yourself who's company you are in.
    
All that I read went right along with what I have been experiencing, and was so very helpful.


Who am I listening to?
In the last weeks we have been faced with some trials in our business.  We are blessed with much work and are grateful for that, but have zero help in getting all of the work completed. Our employee who was to return to work with us April 1st, had back surgery and was out until June 1st.  One surgery led to another, and now he may not be able to come back at all.  Many of the subcontractors that we usually have in place are very busy themselves and aren't ready to move from their own projects to help with ours.  It's been stressful and the "voices" have been loud.  With all of the work coming in and the job leads, it's time to expand...but that can be scary...especially when faced with staffing issues. But, to turn down work and to not expand when opportunities are placed before us would not be wise.  Waiting until all is perfect would be nice, but would require no faith at all. So my hubby and I talk, we pray, and we take each new step before us. If we listened to the fears, we would be paralyzed.  Instead we go on bid appointments, we type up proposals, we place ads for new help, we hold interviews, we move forward, do the best we can each day...plugging our ears to the voice of fear, trusting, and praying the whole way. So far we have found 2 great prospects for employees and have leads on some great subs to possibly work with.  We gave our company to God years ago, we ask Him to lead and guide our every step, and want His will in every part of it.  It's going to be ok, we will be fine...and we are believing God for the best.


Stop and remind yourself who's company you are in ~ 
That statement went right along with one of the fears that I conquered this last week.  I was asked to share with a panel of women at a Mom's group I attend. It meant being up on stage...speaking...holding a MICROPHONE...ugh!!!  But, the subject was on our greatest challenges as parents / what got us through / what we would do differently now...and I knew I couldn't NOT do it. With all that we made it through in our family with addiction, strong willed kids, parents that had confused roles, and that were not united... I couldn't sit by and not let all of those dear women know of the huge mistakes we made, and of the amazing lessons learned.  If it meant the possibility of a happier childhood, more peaceful home, a stronger family - I needed to once again face my mega fear and open up.  And... I did it!!  Yay!!!  As usually happens, I was nervous, I had 2 mini melt down moments, but pressed on, did my best to just ride the fear wave and not give up / freeze up, and got through it with many calm moments near the end.  What helped me the most was picturing the Lord right there with me...standing behind me actually, holding onto my shoulders and helping me to be calm and steady. It has worked so well for me in the past, and did this time too.  I hope I can remember that more often. He is with me / us all...such a comforting thought!


Fear and faith are present with us every day, the one you choose will rule your life ~
So, I conquered in one situation, I'm battling and winning in some other areas, but in some areas I am letting fear rule again. You see, these days, I am letting fear win in the area of school.  I have signed up to test out of 5 classes and roughly 16 credits over the summer. And I am SO SCARED!! You might think signing up and enrolling in them was a big step in overcoming my fear...well maybe...sort of. But, I didn't feel I had a choice. To be able to move on to my next step in my college career, I needed to have my Associates degree completed this summer, so have to do it all now. And to increase my marketability and open up more employment doors for me, the sooner the degree the better...so again, it felt like something I had to do, and now.  But that's all I have done. Like I did the last time I had a big competency exam and interview ahead of me...I froze, I became paralyzed, and did nothing, until it was almost too late. BIG time procrastination here! I know, I evaluated all of this before, posted about it, realized I was believing lies and eventually got the work done. But that was just for one class...taking on 5 classes will be a much bigger challenge! So I fear, I avoid, I fret, and do nothing.  And as the statement above reads... I let fear rule my life in this area. But, as I also learned in this blogging journey. If I post about it, I am taking a better look at it.  And when I write about it and share with all of you my plans to overcome...I actually get "unstuck".  So friends, I will be taking at least one step forward next week. I plan to order the required material for at least 2 of my classes. That's a baby step right?? And now I have all of you out there watching and waiting for my report, so I know I will move ahead!


So thank you for coming along with me on this journey. As I just mentioned, it helps me a great deal in overcoming and moving forward.  In closing, I want to share a couple of the verses that were included in my morning devotional reading that were also very helpful for me:

I will never leave you nor forsake you. 

Heb. 13:5

Fear not; stand still, and see the deliverance of the Lord which He will work for you today. 

Ex. 14:13

Do not fret or have anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance...continue to make your wants known to God. And God's peace...which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds.   

Phil 4:6-7

Be strong and courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. 

 Deut. 31:6

Coffee Please...

Well,  another long stretch of days without new posts.  I'm happy to report that fears don't seem to be plaguing me as much lately...so I just have less to write about... and that's a GREAT feeling!  My presentation that I wrote about in my last post ended up going really well, and my take-away was: Speak from your heart.  

Part of my presentation was more of a report, filled with definitions and facts. The nerves crept in for me, but didn't consume me like they had in the past.   Later, when it was my turn to share from life experiences, and to generate discussion with the rest of the class...it was MUCH easier.  Nerves really weren't an issue at all.  Yay!  So I call that a double victory!!  #1 - I got through the situation put before me without much panic...&  #2 - I learned something about myself.  I am much more relaxed in front of a group of people if I am sharing, inviting others into a conversation, etc. 

So...that's what's happening in my life these days. Not much else to write about, so I thought for today, I would pass along a story that a friend shared with me recently, involving struggles and trials.  Not really fears, but I think looking at how we react to situations and struggles is related to how we react to fears as well...so I thought I'd share the story with you.  One filled with wisdom, & one that involves coffee...Yummo!  Anything involving coffee is awesome in my book.  Enjoy!

 _____________________________________________________________

A Carrot, an Egg, and a cup of Coffee ~ 

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again....

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.  Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."  "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma the daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its insides became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean? ________________________________________________________________________________

I think we can all take a lesson from this. Let's examine ourselves as the daughter in the story did...
Think of this: Which am I?  

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?  

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Coffee Please...that's what I would like to be.
Bless you, your week, and your journey...