Fear from the get go this morning...

Ok, I don't think this is going to be a post everyday blog (who has time for that?)...but so far each day something comes to mind that I feel is "postworthy", so for now anyway, I will just go with it and post when I am prompted, even though each and every post leaves me feeling more and more "out there and vulnerable". Anyway, ever have one of those mornings when fearful thoughts enter your mind first thing in the morning after you wake up? Well, that was my experience this morning. Thankfully that isn't something that happens all that often with me, but it did today. Some of my very first thoughts today:

" What if Paul's back doesn't get any better?"
" Can we make it through this financial crunch time as he is on the mend and I am still in school?"
" What's ahead for us?"

- You see, my hubby is a contractor and his line of work is very, very physical. He has a history of back issues, but has been doing well for many years now. This winter was a strenuous one with many roof dam calls ( heavy snow this year has led to lots of damage to roofs with melting forming dams at roofs edge and pushing shingles up, leading to water leaks inside homes ), lots of shoveling, ice removal, climbing up on 2 & 3 story roofs, lugging multiple 50 lb. bags of salt up ladders over and over...that sort of thing. We have been so grateful for the work, as winter can be a slow, slow season for the construction industry - but this season has been a tough one on Paul's body. So...all of that coupled with a couple of falls for him this season, has left him in quite a bit of pain with some major disc issues. And when you are self employed and not able to work for about 4 weeks, that means no income. So as you can imagine, the temptation to "go to fear" is right there. Most days I am trusting that with all of the people that are praying for him, his chiropractic treatments, icing, resting, exercises...that relief is just around the corner for him. He does have better days and can work a couple of hours here and there, and we see small steps forward as the pain lessens a bit now and then...but then bad days come also.

So, I hate to see him in pain, I wonder about our finances ( so far the income that came in during all of the heavy snow work has sustained us for now ), I wonder what the future will look like for this very active man of mine if he isn't able to go back to all that he used to do...that sort of thing. Most days I don't go to that place, but this morning, for a brief moment, the doubts and fears came rushing in.

So there you have it. An example of how I am not as strong as I would like to be, and a clear example of how fear is still an issue for me. I also want to let you see my process in getting through it though. Paul and I start off each morning with separate devotion times, and then come together for a time to chat about what's ahead for the day, what we got out of our reading, etc. and then end in a time of prayer with eachother and for eachother. It's something we added into our marriage years ago and it has been so huge in helping us to bond more tightly, and to help one another along our journeys. So anyway, I sat down to read...I don't search my Bible for things that fit what I am going through ( though that is effective for some ), I just turn to the next page in what I was reading in both the old and new testament. I start from where I left off the day before, and this is a summary of what I read in Matthew 6 & 7 ( it's paraphrased with just the words that spoke to me today ) :

" So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-...Can your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not. Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. "

How cool is that?! It was just what I needed to read / hear today. I know in my heart that all will be well, that we will be fine, that Paul will recover, that God is with us and that He will provide. He absolutely always does. I just got a little scared and needed a reminder today...and there it was. I love that!

Another cool thing happened when Paul and I had our chat time ( we call it our coffee time by the way ). Paul pulled out from his Bible a note I had typed him almost 2 years ago. I did it after another morning of some clear hope and direction coming out of my daily reading. It was filled with words that I felt God was wanting us as a couple to hold onto during a difficult time, and it was so powerful that I typed it up and gave it to him to keep. As we read it now, all this time later, it was filled with more hope, more promises about our future, and even some assurance about some specific worries that we had back then. It was great to look back and see that many of the areas we had worried about were all resolved. And it was so cool to see that many of the things that were promised have actually occurred.

I love when that happens! My time in prayer & in the Word would have been enough for my day to completely turn around...but to have Paul find that note after all of this time, and on this particular day...just an extra measure of strength and goodness to get us through! Just what I needed for today.

So, so thankful. No more fear here.