I know everyone gets nervous and shakes a little when they speak to a group, but I feel like an earthquake is rumbling inside of me, threatening to knock me over at any moment. I'm not kidding, I really do fear that I may fall right over in front of everyone. How embarrassing would that be?!?!? My mouth goes dry and I fear that I may choke, my mind goes blank, I have really weird sensations that my forehead has a mind of it's own and that everyone in the room can see it make my eyebrows quiver and dance, I talk fast, sometimes almost stutter, I forget to breath regularly and at times run out of air....oh my goodness, just typing about it has me hyperventilating a little! And if this sounds comical, like I am adding all this detail to add some funny flair to this post...oh how I wish that was the case. It's sadly, all so very very true, every sensation, every ugly bit of it. A full blown PANIC ATTACK is what it is, and at times it used to be so bad that the only thing that would pull me through the frozen state I was in was to take a break and pray.
This GINORMOUS fear has been with me for many years now ( at least 35 years or so ). I have talked about it, prayed about it, tried to ignore it, pushed my way through it, tried denying it was there, had numerous prayer counseling sessions about it...and it's with me. I will say that after I went back to the time that it all started with my prayer counseling minister, and worked through some of the issues surrounding it, did lots of forgiving, etc., I now have a bit more confidence in this area. The fear isn't gone by any means, but I am able to do things afraid. I have accepted that the fear wont kill me, that it will eventually pass and that I can get through the ordeal. But the battle isn't over for me.
It all started in the 4th grade. I must not have had this fear before that time in my life, because I remember volunteering to take a part in a play we were putting on that year. I was to play the part of Wanda Cronkite, a newscaster. The part wasn't huge, I only had a 1/2 page or so of lines, and because I was to appear like I was on the news, I could have my notes right in front of me. Should have been a breeze right? Nope. There I was looking all cute in my feathered hair and little pink blazer...and all of the sudden, all of what I mentioned above occurred that day, and in a very big way. I froze, I began to stutter, I couldn't read the lines on the page, I think I may have even cried a bit, but kept on trying to move forward with it. It was horrible! Kids stared, pointed, snickered...I think even my teacher, Mrs. Rude ( perfect name now that I think of it ), giggled a bit at the state I was in. In my memory of the whole thing, I remember it being filmed and the class laughing again as we all watched the play together on video. Now, as I think of it, I wonder if that was even possible. Were there video cameras back then, 35 years ago?? Oh well, doesn't matter. Anyway, that was the appearance of my very first panic attack, and where my mega fear began. Such a painful memory. To top it off and make matters worse, in the yearbook that year, photos from our play were included. And you guessed it, there was a picture of me in my newscaster outfit, right in the middle of my terror...and underneath, the caption read " A very nervous Wanda Cronkite ". Can you believe that?! Terrible, just terrible if you ask me.
So as I mentioned earlier, I have gotten some freedom through walking through that memory, asking God to heal me of it, and forgiving all that laughed, pointed, snickered, labeled me, didn't offer support, didn't even thing to "cut" and help me through it, and then of course those who published it in the yearbook. Before I did all of that work, if anyone asked me to read in a group, share, or speak...if I could, it was an absolute "no" for me. And if there were times that I couldn't get out of it, and had to do it, it was pretty much a repeat of what I experienced back in 4th grade. So, later in life, I began to tell myself this was something I would just never need to face again, now that I am a grown woman and can just say "no" when asked, or make up an excuse. But then I had a few dear people point out that it might not be what God wanted for me in my life, to just avoid this issue. They also pointed out that with all that I have been through, that it might not be right for me to never share...ugh...that really hit me ( thanks alot J.A. & B.T. - you know who you are ). So, shortly after those convicting words, I began to open up and to face the ugliness of those memories, and I began to heal and to get some relief.
Fast forward to today. I have shared the testimony of my painful past, the abuse and abandonment that I experienced on so many levels. It's been spoken at small women's retreats, women's group events at church, at recovery groups, via video for large groups to hear / view. I have talked to Mom's groups about parenting issues, along with my husband have hosted small marriage conferences, and now most recently, as a college student, I've had to do a few presentations before the class. The fear is still there. What's different now is that I am in the process of daring to say yes, and then following through with whatever I have agreed to do in spite of my fear. I just do it, and let all of the creepy sensations and quirky behaviors come, and eventually they pass for the most part...thank goodness. Oh, and I have also realized that I never do actually fall over or choke in front of everyone, and my forehead quivers aren't visible unless you are just an inch or so away from my face... it's all just fear and not reality...whew!
I have discovered a few things that have been really helpful that I thought I would pass along:
1) I really visualize on how proud the Lord is when I open up and share despite my fear, and actually picture Him standing right there with me.
2) Have somebody else with me when at all possible. If I can speak with a panel of people and answer questions, rather than "do a speech" that helps a ton. If somebody can just sit next to me and jump in here and there on the subject, just that little breather does wonders. And sharing via video has been a lifesaver...each time I have been asked to do it so far, my sweet friend Kristie has been there prompting me with questions, we can "cut" so I can cry a bit if I need to, or she can rush over and give me a hug to calm me and comfort me. That worked wonders, and all of the weirdness can be edited out. So cool.
3) Sounds strange, but if I speak about the fear and my tendency to have a panic attacks at the very beginning of my talk, that helps a lot too. And even the act of grabbing a tissue, just in case I fall apart, helps too. The breakdown is less likely to come.
I wish I could say that this was a fear that I have conquered. Not yet, but I do feel it's one that I am slowly overcoming bit by bit. Sharing like this, and once again being super vulnerable about it, I believe ( and hope ), will take away some of the power it has over me, because the "opportunities" just keep on a comin'. I would love to revert to the old me and make up an excuse, or just flat out refuse to do it. But, then I think of the freedom and healing that can come, the unlocking and opening up that can come if I "unlock and open up", and there is no way that I can say no. Just this month I have been asked to help out in two areas at the women's study I attend, and both times would involve me, a crowd and a microphone ( oh how I hate those dang things ). I have answered a shaky "ok" to each ( but secretly still hope that they will forget they asked me, or that I will be sick on the day they need me ). My husband and I were asked to host a larger marriage conference next month, and I have to be honest....I was sooooooo excited when I found out it wouldn't work because he will be out of town during that time! Next month, part of my video testimony will be shared before a really large group of women...oh crap, here comes the hyperventilating again just thinking about it. So, with all of these doors opening, I think God may be showing me what my purpose is in life. He wants to use me in this way, scared or not.
I can't wait to ask Him in heaven one day, " So seriously God, how come you didn't bless me with the confidence, grace, courage, and a true heart's desire to share & perform & to be seen / heard that I see in so many people? It would have made things so much easier for me. Wouldn't that have been a really, really, really good idea?" I can imagine His big, sweet smile right now as I think about asking Him that. He loves how weak I am at times because I fully rely on Him then to get me through. He loves my quirkiness...He put it there. He doesn't even have to answer my questions, because I know the answers myself. He created me this way, because this is what was needed to touch certain groups of people, and certain types of individuals...no more explanation needed. He created us to be unique individuals, for very good reasons. I am not supposed to be a polished speaker, and may not ever be one. I like to consider myself more of a "sharer".
Well, this has been an extra long post...maybe because it's an extra big fear of mine...or maybe because it will speak to an extra large number of people. I don't know. Either way, I hope it touched you and helped you to understand yourself better, or to have the courage to do something afraid...or even to just begin to be more real, opening up to others about your secret fears. If so, this is all so very worth it to me.
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