You see, it's not like it's another one of those embarrassing, ultra vulnerable moments for me that I feel led to expose today. It's kind of the opposite of that. I guess it's a victory story of sorts, but one I don't quite know how to share about. I don't want to sound like I'm patting my own back, tootin my own horn...that sort of thing. But, funny...just as I typed that, I realized that in sharing this story, I can't do either of those things because I can't claim any of the credit. God has done a big thing in my heart over the last 8 days or so...so He gets all the credit. He completely erased a huge fear of mine in an instant...gave me a few days to be with it, and then showed me in a big way that I am a completely new person in this area.
The area that has been freed up in me is my fear of giving. Well, not actually of giving...but of giving any more than a certain, set amount. I know all of my readers out there may not agree with the practice of tithing, and I'm not here to preach to you about it at all. I don't want to guilt anyone, or to say what you should, or should not do. I just feel called to share my own journey about it...and again, I don't want to brag on anything we, ( my hubby and I ) do. And, as you will soon find out, I'm certainly no saint when it comes to this. I've just had a really cool breakthrough in this area though, and need to share it.
Back to the story. Tithing is something that has never really been an issue for us, and I'm not sure why. As you know, I grew up without much, and I even remember times that our Holiday meals and gifts were donated to us when I was young. I'm guessing I let go of some of my fear of not having enough, after learning about tithing in my first foster home. My foster Mom, Marita, taught me to divide up my allowance each week. I can still see the cork board in my room with little envelopes pinned to it. One labeled spending, one savings, and one offering. She taught me to put 10% in the offering envelope each week, and to place it in the plate on Sunday, and that just became normal for me. I'm grateful for Marita for teaching me that so long ago. The practice stuck with me, (well without the cork board and envelopes ), and has always been the norm in our marriage as well.
On to current day - Two Sundays ago, we had a visiting pastor from Gateway Church in Texas speak on giving . It wasn't hard for me to hear his teaching. I sat there feeling great about tithing, and was really happy that it wasn't something we doubted, or disagreed about in our marriage. I felt good about things. But then...
As Pastor Robert spoke of his experiences of giving over and above the 10%... I started to get a bit uncomfortable. I thought, " ok, I get this...hey, we support some missionaries and other ministries on top of our tithe each month, and I'm joyful each time we do. So, I think we're good in this area...shouldn't have to do more than that "...but then I felt so strange as I listened to him further. All of the sudden I began to see flashes of the times that my husband Paul wanted to give to another cause or charity, and how I became secretly resentful...well, to be honest, not always so secretly. There were times we disagreed ( ok, maybe argued ) about it. I thought about how it seemed so valid to set a limit to what we would give to others. I lost my job last year...I'm now in college...over the past month Paul's back injury has cut significantly into the income our business brings in... You know, "enough is enough!" That's what was going through my mind, and quite often. I am NOT proud of that attitude within me...but really need to be honest here. As I thought about Paul and his HUGE, generous heart, the many, major needs and causes that are all around us, suddenly my arguments seemed foolish. My reasons, not quite so valid anymore. I began to see how selfish and unloving my thoughts and actions were. I saw how stingy I was becoming. Ouch! So, I had some prayer time with my friend, Lindsay about it, and I began to feel better about the whole issue right away. My fear was gone and my trust restored. I just knew everything would turn out fine if we were obedient and had faith. I also looked very forward to the days ahead, with my heart united with Paul's in this area.
Fast forward to this last Sunday. We got to hear another powerful message form the visiting pastor. I felt not one bit of uneasiness. Every story and every scripture gave me even more peace. Then, as I was taking notes, an idea dropped into my head about our company, and forming a type of foundation. I wont go into details here. Again, the point in sharing all of this isn't to glorify what we are doing. But, the potential for this new idea is very exciting. Many could be blessed by it, if we will just trust and listen to what we are to do. As the idea began to develop and expand within me, all of the fears that I mentioned earlier, didn't come up at all. The plan will take a HUGE amount of faith...and I'm ok with it! Victory! Hooooray!
And my Paul... Oh. My. Goodness! If you could have seen his face as I shared the idea with him lastnight...priceless. He was beyond excited. He glowed! He was right on board with all that I shared with him, and so very thrilled. Not just about the possibilities ahead, but for us to finally be one on this subject. I cried at the site of it. Having my fear erased, and my heart cleaned up, led to God giving me this new vision. The vision could have been given to Paul, but it wasn't. It was given to me, I believe, for 2 reasons:
#1 - I got to see that I am completely changed in this area, otherwise there would've been NO WAY I would share the vision with anyone, let alone my giving husband.
#2- In hearing the vision coming from my lips, my dear husband got the gift of having me on board with one of his greatest desires. He got to see I had truly changed. So AWESOME!
I hope in all of this you don't focus on what we do, what I did, or what we are going to do. It's not about us or any of that at all. We all have our own journeys, are asked to do very different things, etc. My belief in why I was nudged (and nudged and nudged) to share this, is to spread hope. We can conquer our fears. Even the really scary ones. God can absolutely remove them. He hasn't done that in all areas for me quite yet ( hmmm....or maybe I haven't allowed Him too...might have to ponder on that a bit I guess ). He sure did it in this area for me though...in an instant...just like that.
It feels wonderful to be done with that fear... and to be free.
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