Oooh Crap #1:
If you read yesterday's post on body issues, I bet you can imagine it was a scary one for me to write. I didn't want to put myself out there, to share me secrets and my struggles, and to be so vulnerable on such a personal subject. But, as I often feel lately...I don't want to do it...but I can't not do it. So, I began typing and it all just poured out of me. And the second after I hit "Publish", I closed my eyes and sighed, yep...you guessed it, "oooooh craaaap"! Right away I became fearful. I imagined snickers ( no, not the delicious candy I have been dreaming about lately - but giggles as people read of my silly journey ). I envisioned multiple comments coming in about how a woman "so strong in her faith" shouldn't struggle like this. I could hear criticism of all sorts in my head, others thinking that I was vain, judgment about my working on my weight on the one hand, and then writing about the ugly battle of body image on the other hand, like I am an example of caving into the whole lie that society puts out there for us women.... It was a jumbled, confusing mess in my head. So, I decided to let it be for a bit and went and prepared dinner. Later, I headed to my laptop and really considered deleting the post, or at least editing it down to a more vague piece without so many examples about me and my insecurities.
But, then I saw the number of pageviews...over 30 in just that hour I was away from the computer. And already I had comments from women that could relate, prayer request e-mailed privately, etc. I knew I was to leave it up and just get over what judgment or criticism may, or may not come. So I did. More comments and e-mails came in, pageviews just kept rising, people from China, Germany, Iran, Canada, South Africa, were connecting with what was written. As of today, more than 80 have read the post (way more interest in this subject than any other I have posted on ), and it makes me wonder...are that many of us struggling with this issue??? I hope that's not true! I would rather that so many checked it out just to read of my quirky issues, to make fun of my silly fears. But the more I ponder it, and the more I talked about it today with other women, the more I realize that so many out there count this struggle as one of their greatest. I began to once again see how huge this ugly issue really is.
How sad is that?! I wish I had a magic wand and could erase the struggle from every woman that I know (me included). I wish that the main root of all of the lies, the battles, the obsessions, the unfairness, the cruelty would be revealed, corrected, and healed once and for all. What a great day that would be, huh? It's all so very heartbreaking really.
In my many years as a prayer counseling minister at our church, with my husband and I serving together on prayer teams up front after services many sundays, and with Paul's active role in various men's groups, we hear of many stories of what this same ugly fear has done. Of course, all that I hear is confidential, so you wont be reading here about any of their specifics. But I can tell you ~ this lie, this unfairness, this self hatred...it has destroyed, and continues to destroy so many. Individuals, families, and marriages are affected at both ends of the spectrum. Those that are obese ( some due to self medicating out of their frustration about never being able to fit that ideal model portrayed to so many of us, and some for other reasons ), struggle with low self esteem and self doubt...and it can, and does often affect intimacy for the couple...and so, so many other areas. On the other end there are those that will not allow themselves to not fit into the ridiculous and unrealistic mold / image that they are faced with everyday and they are consumed by a life of eating disorders. They starve themselves, do such harm to their body, and in some cases slowly kill themselves...all in the name of being thin and beautiful. And that obsession with thin-ness, does just as much damage to the self esteem, to intimacy, to relationships.... And really, if you think about it, it also really helps to spur on the idea that women must be rail thin, with a boyish figure, and that beauty is all about thin-ness. So, the horrible and unfair cycle continues & continues...
Again, I just wish I could wave some magic wand and erase it all for myself and for so many other dear women. But, I don't have a magic wand. I do have a voice though, and I think exposing it and all it's ugliness is a step. I think really looking at the huge issue that eating disorders is becoming could help. I think sharing what works for me in this battle, and posting what I hear from all of you could be a step too. It's all so very wrong, and I look forward to freedom. I know it's not at all what God wants me to focus on or believe...and He doesn't want it for you anymore either. So please take a close look with me at what you are believing, what you are striving for, what you are hating. I would love to see a movement of healing take hold, and I think God has been whispering some ideas in my ears as He reveals one person after another that is in bondage to this sometimes deadly cycle. But, boy oh boy would that be another "o00h crap" moment for me, to start some ministry or program in this area! For now, I think I will take things slow until I hear differently in His whispers. But, speaking of those " oooh crap" moments - on to moment #2...
Oooh Crap #2:
As I mentioned last week, I attend a women's study on tuesdays. I love this group and learn so much there. I went today and guess what? A dear friend asked if I would be willing to share a little today. My first words, even before " oooh crap " were..." Have you read my blog on fear yet !? Do you realize that speaking in front of groups especially with a microphone is my number one fear? I know you mentioned my possibly helping out sometime, but I didn't think you were actually serious, and I especially didn't think you would be needing me TODAY" !!!
So, since I want this blog to not only be about what I and others fear, and tips and wisdom along the way...I also want it to be a place to report victories. So my victory for today was... I DID IT!! I got up and I shared. I soooo wanted to say no, and almost sort of did, and then I knew what was best, and I said " I will try". Then I proceeded to tell her that the only way I could go through with it was if she would comply with some conditions:
1. Mention that I may, or may not share depending on if I was comfortable enough or not ( I needed to know I had an out and it really helped to calm me ). Many know of my fear and nervousness already ( if you don't know of the degree of it...read my MEGA fear post ), so I felt ok with her mentioning this.
2. Be up there with me.
3. Don't make me hold the microphone.
Sweet Raquel was just fine with my conditions, completely understood me and my journey, and complied with every one. And I was able to get up and to share. Yes, I was nervous and shaky. Yes I spoke fast and only said about 1/2 of what I had planned to say. But...I did it. And I am glad that I did. Quite a few woman had questions and comments for me after about the " hot tip " that I shared with all of them ( for more on that tip, you will have to e-mail me privately...it was about something that has been a huge blessing in my marriage and the area of intimacy ), so I really do believe it was the right thing for me to share. I am proud of me that I faced a fear today and didn't let that fear win. Yay me! =0)
If you fear public speaking, maybe give one or two of my "conditions" a shot, rather than just declining. So many have so much to share and we can all learn so much from eachother if we will open up, even when we are afraid. I hope you can muster up the courage to face one of your fears head on today, or even later this week. And I would love to hear about it and to cheer you on!
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