A piece to the puzzle...

I think I may have figured something out...a piece of the puzzle in my journey against fear.  After writing about my fearful day yesterday, I spent some time in prayer.  Afterwords, I began to realize my fear isn't always about the event coming up.  It isn't even really about the circumstances I must face.  If I really break things down... my fear has more to do with an emotional reaction, and a physical sensation I do not want to have.  Interesting.  I think I may be on to something here.

Example.  When I say I have a MEGA fear of public speaking, I think what I really mean is that I'm afraid of the terror I believe may overcome me.  I'm not actually afraid of the microphone, the crowd, or the edge of the stage, as I had thought.  What I'm really afraid of is the physical things that can happen ( blurred vision, dizziness, shakiness, dry mouth, tight chest, racing heart, shortness of breath ), and the blaring symphony of negative thoughts that flood my brain at that moment ( "you're going to faint...fall over...choke...pass out...your mind is blank, you will never move past this, you are not cut out to speak in front of people, you should have known better than to even try" ....those sorts of things ).

When it comes to my beloved husband leaving on an extended trip, I am not actually afraid of him going.  I truly believe God's desire is for him to go away to build a church in the Amazon jungle.  I fully trust that God will protect him.  I know I can get through it, especially now, since this is the 2nd time he has gone.  I know I am safe.  I believe that God prepared me in advance for this trip, since I have marriage mentoring events ... people desiring prayer counseling sessions...meetings to attend...big exams to prepare for and take...an overnight visit scheduled with the girl I mentor at Teen Challenge...much, much more than I would normally have scheduled.  It all popped up at once, I believe, to help keep me busy and around others while Paul is away.  I know that Paul loves me,  he will come back, and our marriage will be even stronger because of the time apart  ( absence really does make a heart grow fonder, we learned that on his last trip ).

What I actually dread is the dark cloud that came over me the last time that he left.  It was more than me just missing him.  I had been doing just fine for a good stretch of days, when all of the sudden a darkness and heaviness moved in.   My thoughts turned to Paul's death.  My imagination was filled with how terrible and lonely life would be without him, it was almost as if those thoughts became my reality for a bit.  I began to think about how hard day to day life would be, wondered if I would ever heal, if I would need to sell our house because of the memories...that sort of thing.  It was so dark, so painful, and breaking free from it wasn't easy.

So, in both situations, I now see I'm  fearing that same type of terrifying episode.  Even though my rational mind knows what I'm feeling and fearing isn't based on truth.  When I look at it that way, it simplifies things a bit for me.  I think I am fearing actually fearing the lies that can move in, ya know?  Actually, to me I think I could better describe it as a fear of the enemy/ deceiver / father of lies showing up and messing with me.  I know that sort of language might be uncomfortable for some people reading this, and maybe even a bit spooky.  It's really not some weird belief or concept though.  It's been around for ages.  I can even remember seeing it portrayed in cartoons from my childhood...a little red horned creature sitting one shoulder, whispering ideas, and an angel on the other.  That's basically what I'm talking about.  I really believe that in some of the situations I have been struggling in, what I have been calling my own fear, is just a lie being whispered.  Not really my own belief or thought at all.  Just a temptation to believe a horrible, and terrifying lie.  And a temptation...well now, I know how to deal with that!  Focusing on what is truth, praying through it, clinging to the scriptures filled with promises that God is my protector and my shield, calling a friend to ask for prayer support...that's where I plan to start should I sense that ugly cloud moving in again.  And that takes me back to some verses that I was focusing early on in this whole blog challenge thing -

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.          Philippians 4:8-9


So, I guess that's actually 2 fear puzzle pieces discovered recently.  # 1 -What I just described, realizing what I am actually fearing - and how I can defeat it.  And 2 - Just how beautifully this whole opening up, facing my fears and examining them is working for me.  A few times now...and sometimes right in the middle of posting...things fall into place, just like that!  I think that's pretty awesome.

All for now.  I hope some of my messy walk though this brings a bit of hope or light to you in your journey.  Oh, and if you were wondering from yesterday's post....yes, I started on the competency exam stuff. I completed and submitted my registration forms, downloaded and printed all of the documents I need, and plan to head to the library soon to find the book that I need.  See, I guess accountability actually is a good thing, huh?

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