There are 2 big things on my mind today, and both involve fear. The first involves procrastination... again. Oh how I hate that ugly behavior of mine! The second involves loss and loneliness. More on that later.
In about 10 days I will be taking a competency exam to "test out" of one of the last few classes that remain before achieving my degree. Once that's done, I hope to move on to the classes that I am much more passionate and excited about, in the areas of ministry and counseling. But first, I must take the competencies in the last 3 required classes...and I am so frightened! I chose to test out of these classes because my adviser and I both felt my life and career experience would provide the knowledge to do so. This option drastically cuts down on the time I must be on campus, and reduces the cost per credit by 50%. A very good deal...if I pass. If I fail, the time and money was wasted, and I will have to take the full course, at full cost. So, if you haven't already guessed it, I'm afraid that I might fail...big time. I'm also fearful of the testing day that involves turning in all of my work, and an interview in front of a group of people. EEEK! A few posts back I was wondering if my struggle with procrastination in another area had a connection to fear. I guessed that it did. In this situation, I don't have to guess at all. I haven't downloaded any of the forms, haven't picked up my research material, don't dare look at the website to see if I've missed any deadlines yet...all because I am so very afraid. You see, I now realize exactly why I procrastinate. If I start the work, begin the project, etc...that means the event coming up is actually real...that the event will really take place! So scary. If I put things off, I can pretend the event is imaginary. Like that helps. Why do we do that?!?! And hey, I know I'm not the only procrastinator out there...that's why I said "we".
This is what I do. I procrastinate, and procrastinate. I worry and I fear, day after day until the scary task I must complete is so close that I don't dare to push it off a moment longer. Then I complete it, and often do just fine ( maybe I'm one of those that does well under pressure ), so I could just continue life this way I guess. But, I would like to be kinder to myself this time. The worry, strife, and fighting with myself is so draining. What can I do differently this time? Sure, I have already procrastinated on this, and should have started weeks ago. The old me would keep on pushing the start date out until just days before the exam. This time I will set a start date, and I wont keep it a secret. I will put my intention out there and allow others to hold me accountable. I'm hoping that will help. The fear may still come, but I wont allow it to stop me, or to stall me. I'm going to move through it first thing tomorrow morning...April 7th is day one. So hey friends that are reading, you have my permission to bug, Ok? Call me, e-mail me, check in to see that my nose is in the books. I will be honest, I promise you.
The other area I struggle with today involves my husband Paul. I saved this issue for last because it's a doozie of a doozie! And yep, I procrastinated in opening up about it, because the large amount of emotion involved is pretty scary. He leaves for his very long mission trip in a few days, and it all hit me today. The fear, the worry, the dread...it's all right there threatening to consume me if I let it. So, for now my post on it will be rather brief. When I begin writing, my mind opens up, and my thoughts and emotions flow freely. I really feel the need to only touch on it briefly, and practice taking my thoughts captive / not allow my mind to go to the dark places that seem to come on so strongly. If you know me, if you know of the pain and loss that I experienced while growing up...then you can probably imagine the depth to which my abandonment issues run. I've come so far, and God has healed so much of the brokenness in me, but when it comes to my Paul not being here...that's a painful, painful area for me. I still have some work to do.
Some history for those that don't know me -
With a father that left when I was a baby, and never returned or had an interest in this daughter's life...there was a hole in my life and a deep wound. With a stepfather that was never able to love or accept that little girl...another wound. With an alcoholic Mother that threw me away to foster care when I stood up to her, and would no longer put up with her boyfriend abusing me...a deep gash to the heart. And then, after witnessing failed attempts at suicide by my Mother over the years, I got the news one day that she had finally been successful...another loss / abandonment / deep, deep wound. A broken heart full of scars is what I was left with. It was difficult to trust, difficult to really love, and pretty tempting to take on the words " it's impossible to love me ", and " everybody leaves" as my slogans in life.
That's my past. I have worked through it, I have forgiven so much, but being left is still not easy for me. My husband, Paul has been the only real constant in my life for the last 26 years or so, other than my relationship with God. The only human being that I have ever felt deep, real, committed, and unwavering love from. So, you can imagine the huge part of my heart that he owns, and the enormous part of my life that he is. Being apart is not easy for me...at all.
Well, as the tears are starting to flow as I type out my heart...I think that's enough for today. I have been fearful today thinking of the day that he leaves. I knew I needed to write about it and to share about it. But for right now, I want to stop the flow of thoughts that can go to terribly frightening places. I'm not in denial, not avoiding the topic...just being careful with myself, and redirecting to truth rather than focusing on fear. Instead, I am going to focus on how I made it 2 years ago when he went on his first long trip. I got through it. This time will probably be much easier. This trip is a good thing. God will watch over Paul. I have many things planned to keep myself busy until his return. I have many friends that I can connect with when I am lonely, and many that know of this struggle of mine, and will be lifting me up in prayer the whole time. With God's help I will be OK. Of that I am certain.
This fear stuff can be deep and pretty heavy. I think I need to treat myself to a nice long bubble bath right about now.
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