This is new...

Wow, not a whole lot of fear to write about this week. This is new. I actually have another presentation to do tonight at class and I'm not freaked out. What? Hmmm...  I do have a few butterflies and a teeny bit of dread, but it's NOTHING like what I used to experience...sheer terror, make yourself sick with worry, can't focus for days... That's what I went through before. This feels different, and I think I may know why...

Like I mentioned in my last post, I attended a women's conference last weekend ( Free to Be Me - put on by Bridging the Gap ). I was filmed a few months ago sharing the story of the abuse, abandonment, and struggles I've come through, and it was shown at this large conference.  As I wrote about in my last post, I was pretty nervous about it.  And when I found out I would need to go up on stage in front of the packed auditorium...I REALLY got scared! I didn't even have to say anything...just go up with a few other women who's stories had been shared, and hold a big flower while a song about "making things beautiful" was played. Didn't matter though...I was completely freaked. I had visions of tripping, of knocking stuff over, of shaking so violently in front of everyone that even those in the upper level would see it.  I had it bad!  I was to drive the 45 min. or so to the event and had to have somebody else drive for me, I was so freaked. With my jitters and jumpiness, I just knew that driving a stick shift in city traffic would not be good!  So, you get the picture, I was right back in the middle of this whole fear garbage again.  I prayed about it, blogged about it, had women praying for me that I would be calm...and the nerves just kept on firing.  But then...

Two powerful things happened at the Free to Be Me event, and I think one, or both may be connected to why I am feeling pretty calm right now. There was a concert on the first night. Amazing music with Kari Jobe ( one of my very favorite artists ) and the Desperation Band. At one point the lead person from the band said he would be playing over the audience and for us to listen for a message from God.  I sat enjoying the music, ears open to what might be spoken. Hearing from God isn't new to me...so this didn't weird me out. If it does that for you, I'm sorry...I just have to tell the story though. It's not a new concept though...God has spoken to his creation for years and years.  He has things He would like to share with all of us if we will just listen.

Anyway, back to the story..I sat and I sat hearing nothing as the beautiful music played. Then, all of the sudden deep within me I could hear the softest whisper, " Be still, I am here...Be still, I am here. " And I had this grounding sensation in my spine. As if somebody was holding onto the very core of me and not allowing it to shake anymore. Not allowing me to fear anymore... I felt steady, at peace, and calm.  It was profound, and I hope I never forget the experience.

The next day was full of powerful teaching. One session in particular, "Free From the Inside Out" really affected me.  Much was covered in the session. The speaker was full of wisdom, and had such insight about our image obsessed society. I related to much of the lesson, and found myself so saddened and angered by our culture and how damaging and unhealthy it can be.  At the end of the of her teaching she closed the session in a time of prayer.  And what a prayer it was! I think our whole row of a dozen or so women were touched in a big way, since we were all passing out tissues to one another at the end.  I'm not quite sure yet what part of what she said or prayed hit me the most, but I do know that there was an area of my soul that seemed bound... and after that time of prayer, and after a good cry... I have a new sense of freedom.

So...not sure if it was the music and listening experience I had, or the great teaching and time of prayer. My guess it was a combination of both. But, immediately after that was when the video testimonies were shared. I wasn't nervous, or jittery, or afraid to watch. I just felt honored to be a part of helping other women. And when it was time to go up on stage, it was unlike anything I've ever felt. I went up the steps with a sense of confidence. I felt joy as I looked out over the crowd that was enjoying the message of the videos and the powerful music playing. Not a bit of fear. I'm still amazed, and have to wonder if I dreamed it (from the many calls and e-mails I've received from those that were touched by it all...it really did happen ). At one point while confetti fell over us on that stage, I just had to lift my big silk flower to the heavens, as my way of expressing the freedom and gratefulness that I felt. Awesome...Amazing...and so very new for me.

So...all of that is probably why I am pretty peaceful about the presentation at class tonight.  I'll fill you in on how it goes.  For now though, I hope hearing of my experience gives you hope.  We don't have to continue to be gripped in fear, squelched by it, held back by it.  There is freedom. I am proof of that.