In Knots...

While gearing up to write today I had a hard time describing what I'm feeling lately. As my stomach churned for at least the 20th time this morning, I started to visualize a tangled mess of yarn within me...and there it was.  My subject for today...tangled yarn.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm a tangled mess right now ( yay ~ that means progress! )...but with so many different things going on, so many uncertainties, I definitely do feel a bit tangled, like the picture top left.  And of course the next picture represents how I would LIKE to be right now...all neat and orderly...evenly wound, no knots...you know ~ perfect!  But...perfect I am not, and thankfully, not many of us are. So the last picture represents what I hope to be someday...so many different colors ( my issues, my talents and quirks ), many different "knots" ( life experiences, trials, etc. )...all combined to make something useful and beautiful. Hmmm and the finished piece in the picture is also warm and comforting...I like the sound of that too. Might just have to keep this visual metaphor of me around. I'm beginning to like it.
 
So, that's whats going on with me these days. Feeling tangled, feeling a bit of a mess at times, but also aware that things are slowly becoming untangled, and that in the end it will all make sense. In the end I think I will be grateful for each twist and turn and bend in the road ( even though some are scary ). In the end I bet I will be grateful for each knot that remains in the finished work, as it anchors me to a lesson that I've learned along the way. Hope so anyway.

Without boring you with too much detail ( as a writer I can easily ramble on too much at times ), in a nutshell, here is some of what I have been facing, processing, conquering, and wrestling with over the last few weeks...

School ~ where to go, when to apply, which program to enroll in and then of course the whole money issue. And if you read my last post, I have those 5 classes to test out of before the next leg of my educational journey can begin. Thanks to you that are helping me to stay accountable to my plan by the way. I DID get the materials for those 1st 2 classes and am now in the studying phase. I DID get all signed up for my tests ( one next week and 3 more in July ), and have paid for them all...so no turning back now.  Now to just plug away studying and writing my papers...and to NOT give in to the knotted mess sensation, and get all paralyzed in fear again. Not easy for me...but doing my best.

Career ~ internships, temp jobs, rejections, opportunities, home office responsibilities, volunteer experiences.
Ahhhh! So much going on. So much to decide on. Things to take on, things to let go of or lay down, things to rethink...and much prayer throughout.  Balance is what I strive for and I'm learning to let peace be my guide. Again, not an easy thing for me...but getting better at it at least. I was offered a ministry internship that I was excited about, but in the end after much thought and prayer, I didn't have peace about accepting it...and was THAT ever confusing and scary.  Turning it down was not fun, but I felt such peace as soon as I did. The opportunity would have been wonderful and the experience so valuable...but it just wasn't right for now. I've prayed and prayed for guidance, and have asked for peace. When it doesn't come, then I know I am about to take on something that isn't for me.  That same day, I was offered a temporary position with a company that I believe very much in and would love to work for...but some aspects didn't fit...so again I went to prayer. This time I knew I was to "put out there" what would work for me, and then to trust that if it's in line with God's plan for my life that all will work out. And as of right now, it's looking like the position was changed and may line up perfectly with my needs and availability. So awesome, but NOT an easy experience to go through!

A while back I had a vision of a compass guiding me through life. The compass for me was to ask myself when an opportunity arose:

~ Does it line up with  what God wants from us that follow Him.
~ Does it gel with my marriage and the life we live?
~ Does it tap in to the core of who I am, what I was created to do?
~ Do I have absolute peace about it?

Thinking back to those guidelines helped me in this. And I do have peace... such a good thing after the knotted feeling I had at the beginning of the week. The rejections are still uncomfortable when I apply for positions that I would really like and I don't get an offer. Juggling running the office side of our construction business, and serving in the ministry areas we feel called to in the areas of prayer counseling, recovery, and marriage mentoring...can get challenging.  But, in the end...I truly believe it's all for a reason and leading up to a place of much more clarity...of what God wants from me in my life.

Life in general~ Some days the burdens around us can just seem so heavy, and so unfair. The last few weeks have brought so much heartache, loss, and worry in the lives of many friends.  It's tempting to get lost in a tangle of "what if's " and "whys", and worry over what to do or not to do...say or not say, etc.  I can get all tight and in knots again if I don't stop and pray.  And then added to the tangle is the mental journey I'm on during a significant weight loss ( really long story filled with much revelation about food, addictions, body image, self worth, fear....).  Deep stuff.

Overall, I think what I am being reminded of is to trust...just trust.  And I am realizing more and more that doubt and fear are the complete opposite of trusting.  So for today I will do my best to trust that God has my back, and that He is for me.  I will trust that He is looking out for me, and He's guiding and protecting me.  And I will accept that if I relax and trust, my knots will come untangled easier....that things will all make sense someday...and that the journey will all be for good...and will be beautiful in the end.

All for now...