Body stuff...

It's vulnerable day again for me.  Yikes! So...after going for my weekly weigh in today (I'm on a homeopathic plan / diet through our Chiropractor ), it got me to thinking about the body issues that I have been struggling with for so many years. I have had a long and frustrating battle with PCOS that has left my hormones a mess, insulin resistant, very prone to weight gain, and basically with "locks" on my fat cells. Not fun at all. I eat pretty healthy and work out, but all it has really done over the years is to help me to maintain a weight that is roughly 50-60 lbs. above my ideal weight. Maintaining is better than gaining ( PCOS can lead to morbid obesity in women ), but it's still unhealthy.   Anyway, with the new plan that I am on I've had some success, and the pounds are coming off rather quickly as I had hoped, but I am still very aware of the old fears that are right there with me, no matter the number on the scale.

The fear that I am sharing on today involves body image. As with many other victims of sexual abuse, body shame is a real issue for me. With the weight gain of the last several years, the shame has increased, but it really does go deeper than the pounds. Even at a healthy weight I would hide myself in clothes that were too big for me, didn't feel comfortable in a bathing suit, never wore anythings sleeveless because that meant exposing my arms...and to this very day I still find myself hiding away in my little closet to change before bed. How sad. I have been married to a wonderful, loving man for almost 25 years now. He accepts me and loves me no matter my size. But I am still afraid.

This is a subject that has come up for me during some of my prayer counseling sessions, and believe it or not, I actually have made some progress in this area. But I still have some work to do. Sadly, I also hear of so many beautiful women out there that struggle in this area to some degree or another. I don't know how much of this is due to images of unrealistic female " perfection" all around us every day ( could be a big part of it actually ), and I'm not quite sure exactly how to get over it. But I do know that even though many struggle with it, it's not good, and it's definitely not what God wants for us.

For now, I think admitting it, facing it, sharing on it, generating discussion on it...all is a step in the right direction. My goal is to see what my husband sees when he looks at me, to see what my heavenly father does, and to really grasp that the love that they both have for me really has nothing to do with a size of clothing or a number on a scale.

It's about loving ourselves too, and not buying into the unhealthy images we see all around.
Though I will continue working on getting myself to a healthy weight because of the high risk of heart disease and diabetes that I am faced with at this weight, I'm not even going to shoot for the weight that is listed as "ideal" for somebody my height ( those charts are so crazy). My goal is about 15-20 pounds higher than that. A weight where I remember having more energy, flexibility, stamina, etc. I just want to be healthy and to feel good again.

I also plan to remind myself of what I have learned in some of the verses I have read over the years that helped me in this area. They helped then, and maybe they need to be my weapon each and every time this ugly fear creeps back in. So I am digging  a few of them out and will share them with you to use during those times as well.

God delights in us ~ as found in 2 Samuel.


He rejoices over us ~ read Zephaniah 3.


His thoughts of us are precious  ~ found in Psalm 139


We are deeply loved ~ as found in Daniel 10


His love for us is so wide, so long, so high and deep ~ read Ephesians 3

All for now. I hope we can get to the point of loving ourselves and not being afraid of rejection, or what others may think of us. That would be so awesome!  Feel free to share what has worked for you as well. I would love to hear of your successes. Let's conquer this together.