It Goes Both Ways Today...

Well, today I grapple with some fear, but I also report on that very same person I worry about, and share with you some of her victories. Our Kasey is on my mind. See above for a little time line from toddler days through today. I know, BEAUTIFUL, right?!?

The reason I chose to post about miss Kasey, and the reason for the title of this post is the jumble of things I am feeling.  Kasey was home for spring break and left today to go back to school, and my emotions are such a mixture.  Pride, Fear, Worry....it's all in there.

First of all, I want to highlight Kasey as somebody to be admired for conquering fears.  Soon she graduates from college with a degree in Special Education. I still remember the day 4 years ago as we moved her into her dorm...a day FILLED with emotion. I remember nervously helping her put away things, decorating her room, and doing my best to make it as cozy as possible...all the while fighting back the tears and trembling that threatened to take me over at any moment!  It was hard for us all, but I knew Kasey and how homesick she would get from a young age on whenever she was away from home. So I just knew the intense fear that was in her mind as she dreaded the door closing as we left... and the rumble of Dad's diesel truck as we pulled away from campus.  Eventually, that moment came and it was time to say goodbye. Then the tears flowed.  I don't know what was more difficult, watching her big brother Levi hug her and give her a kiss good-bye on the top of her head (with lots of sibling rivalry between them while growing up...this was a major "make a mama cry moment! ), seeing the "Daddy's girl " say good-bye to her Daddy, or when it was my turn to hug our baby good-bye.  It took every bit of my strength to not hold on forever as we hugged and wept. Then another dose of strength to NOT turn and sprint down the hallway back to her as we were about to leave the building. And again, more strength was needed to let go, trust, and allow myself to fall asleep that night at home...wondering how she was doing a couple of hours away ( it felt like a couple of states away ). Tough Stuff!!!

Kasey got through it though. I'm guessing it was one of the most difficult experiences in life up to that point. She stayed in school, did really well, and will have her degree this spring. And now here we are 4 years later (and with her now 4 hours away from home at a different college)  and she is just about done. We are beyond proud of her!

As you can see from the photos, she has always had a way with those with special needs. We share that love.  While my kids were growing up I worked in many different areas of the field, and at one time even ran a special needs daycare out of our home. Both of my kids were such a big help, always had so much love to share, and they were amazing examples to their friends about loving those that are different from us.  The second pic above is of Kasey holding Jacob, a dear boy that had Cerebral Palsy that came to our daycare. I just love thinking back to those days.  Oh man, I am tearing up right now remembering them each pushing a wheelchair down the street with me as we would take those sweet kids out to get some sunshine. They just loved introducing Jacob,  Darren (he had Down Syndrome), and Lynzee (she had many severe complications from one of her infant immunizations) to the kids in the neighborhood.  Geesh, I have rambled on in my emotional stroll, sorry.  Anyway, as I continued in the field, often those that I cared for would stop by our house with me to visit my family.  The third pic was taken on one of those visits, and is of Kasey with her buddy, Danny. Kasey was always so good with him, even though he was crazy in love with her (and I mean crazy in love).  And now, she's about to start her career, using her natural love and talent in even more ways and touching even more lives. I am so happy that I could pass that love / gift on to her. But...I wouldn't doubt (knowing the whole mother - daughter thing that happens with so many of us) that to surrender to that gift had to be pretty hard for Kasey.  Don't so many of us want to be the complete opposite of our mothers?!?  So, that could be another fear that she had to conquer before heading down her education path. Proud of you Kasey!

My other desire to post about Kasey today is the fear that I struggle with as a Mom.  Letting go of your kids is so painful.  She is almost 22 and has been out of the house for 4 years ...and it's still difficult. I can say goodbye now without the tears that were there in her dorm room long ago...but it's still hard.  It's tempting to go to fear over lots of things.  I remember this with our older son too. You wonder if they will be ok. Wonder if they will get through the rough years of figuring out who they really are. Wonder if they will heal ok as they experience broken hearts and broken relationships. Worry about so many things....

Deciding when to get involved in their lives, or the situations that arise has been trying as well.  To help or not help...to get involved or not...to call or not to call.  That Mama's intuition can kick right in, and at times you swear you  are right, and that your help is so very needed.  You rush to the scene, or make that call, and it was a mistake...just your old worrying habit kicking in really.  Knowing what is intuition, plain old worry, or God nudging you... that's sooooo hard.  For the most part, when my intuition will not let up and I am feeling fearful, I've learned that is the time to just pray, and pray, and do nothing else for that moment, except trust. It was one of THE hardest lessons for me, but I know it has helped my kids along the way. I don't ignore the feeling, I don't ignore my kids, I just wait and pray, and let them call me if they need me at those moments.  We can't always step in...come to the rescue...be their savior. To mature, our kiddos have to learn to rely on themselves, on their network of friends, and most importantly on God. Often times "helicopter parents" hover and are always right there, and they actually get in the way of that maturity happening. Needing to be needed can feel good, but it can do bad...ya know?

So that's where I am today.  Proud, proud, proud of Kasey - the fears she has conquered, and the goals she has achieved. But also still struggling a little ( I have improved some in this area I promise you ), with wondering what her future will look like. Will Kasey be happy in her life? Did we teach her enough and pray enough? Will she find a job soon after she graduates? Will she find a good roommate? Will she drive safely on her way back to college today? Will the others drivers on the road drive safely? Will she get over this bug she has had without it turning into Pneumonia? Will she EVER listen to her smart Mama and start eating better and taking her vitamins?!?!?!  ;0)   The list could go on and on if I let it.  My mind could too... if I let it.   But in the end, the very best thing I can do is to trust, to pray, and to let her soar.

I learned so much of this with raising our son...but there are still days that it's not easy for me to do. So, I think today I will claim the phrase that got me thought the many days I was tempted to worry with our Levi. Today I will pray...and get out of the way. God loves our children so much, they don't belong to us, they have a right to live their own lives,  and He is with them and watching over them.  Our Levi turned out great and has a beautiful life now with his wife, Kelly.  And Kasey is doing so well and has a beautiful life ahead of her too. I believe that, and I trust in that.

So, today I will pray ~ And get out of the way.
Today I will pray ~ And get out of the way.
Today I will pray ~ And get out of the way!