One of those days...

Well, today is one of those days that I really have to watch where I let my thoughts go, to "manage my mind", like I wrote about a few posts back. It's one of those times again where negative, doubting, and basically fearful thoughts are right at the edge of my brain. I don't take them on as my own, they just sort of flit or blip by my conscious mind throughout the day. I'm doing my best to " take every thought captive " as we believers are supposed to do ( see 2 Cor 10:5 ), but I can't say that it's easy.

After almost 25 years, I have returned to school.  That in itself is a big victory story I guess. It was something I thought about over the years, but was always too fearful to look into. Getting laid off from my job last year, not finding many promising jobs opportunities, and hearing "the position has been filled" after way too many interviews...all helped me to push through the fear and begin filling out college applications.  It seemed like my only option to open up more career doors.  I will never forget how petrified I was the first day I walked onto campus to take some sort of placement exam. I thought for sure all these years of raising kids and being away from school would have left my brain mushy and far from sharp ( having to sit right along side some babes right out of high school to take the exam didn't help my confidence much either). But, I decided to go through with it, accept whatever the results were, and just on with it. The results surprised me...I was a bit more of a "smarty pants" than I realized, and I actually did well on the exams...I was so shocked!

So, being back in school  at this stage has been an enjoyable,  but sometimes very scary adventure for me. I've managed to pull a 4.0 which I never thought would be possible for me. I mean seriously, I never in my wildest dreams thought I was capable of that. Who knew?!?!  And, you would think with that track record my confidence level would go up, wouldn't you? Well, I guess it has a bit, compared to where I was a year ago...maybe that is what I should really be focused on, the progress I have made, rather than expecting perfection right now. Hmmm, I knew doing this blog was good for me. I just discovered an area that I can work on even today :  

1) accepting where I am right now, rather than always expecting perfection.
2) honoring what I have accomplished by allowing myself to be proud of how far I have come, and being kinder to myself.
 
Wow, that feels pretty good. I think I will have to jot those ideas down and really carry them with me for awhile.  Anyway, my point in discussing school with you was to explain where my mind wants to go today. This evening I start  a new class, Sociology/ Marriage and Families.  Each and every time I am about to start a new class I get so nervous! I worry about finding the class, getting there late, being the only "older" person in class, doing something really embarrassing like tripping as I walk into class, I worry that the class will be way too hard...that sort of stuff.  Every single time I feel this way.  On the way home though,  I am always chuckling to myself and thinking, " see, nothing is as scary as you make it out to be, nothing as painful as you fear, and things are rarely, if ever as difficult as you had imagined". So, I guess my goal in sharing this with you is to offer those thoughts and techniques to you to help you through a scary challenge that you are facing. The bonus in all of it, is that in writing out my experience I got to see things more clearly and give myself a much needed attitude adjustment. So cool. Thank you me!  =0)

Another area where I am tempted to worry about today is the very same thing that I blogged about almost 2 weeks ago...my dear hubby Paul and his back. It's been over 6 weeks now since his injury. We have seen some progress (baby steps), and he can work a couple of hours here and there, but overall it's still far from healed.  As I wrote about before, being self employed, and with me in school, the lack of income can be a scary thing to think about.  So far things are ok, and we are just trusting that our savings will be enough until Paul is back to work full time.   We are trusting that God is in this, that He knows what is best, and in the end it will all make sense. He has a plan, and with full recovery not being here yet, we think there is a lesson to be learned in all of this, or some change coming.

Income isn't the only reason we are hoping and praying for a speedy recovery.  Paul is signed up to go on missions trip to Peru mid April.  He is returning to the Amazon jungle to build another church in a small villages there, and to help with digging some wells this time too. It's a very special trip, but also a very physical one.  Paul will need to have his strength back in order to go. So...if we let it, our minds could go to fear and doubt, and as I said earlier...it's a difficult battle at times.  During our prayer time together this morning though, once again we put our trust in our God who loves us and knows so much better than know ourselves. We will just keep praying and trusting, moving forward with things, and doing our part.  One favor though, if you are the praying type, we would love the extra prayer support. Would you please join us in praying for Paul's recovery. ( The photo below is from his trip a couple of years ago...the kids there just loved him! )

In closing, I just wanted to share a few verses that happened to jump off the page at me during my devotional time this morning. As always, they are so fitting, and just what I need or will need later that day.  Do you think somebody knew that I would be struggling with doubt and fear today or what ? I love when that happens

Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 
Matt 11:28

The words you say now reflect your fate then. Matt 12:37

You can lie down without fear and enjoy pleasant dreams. You need not be afraid of disaster...for the Lord is your security.  Prov 3:24-25

I know the Lord is always with me, I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me.  
Psalm 16:8

I am going to hang on to what I learned about myself through writing this today, and will be clinging to these verses each time I think of my Paul.